The Telephone Part 1

   While we are on the subject of phone calls by robo-callers, let’s talk about the phone in general and even the new-fangled smartphone.

   There are plenty of fine articles about why certain types of people hate phone calls, and others rather enjoy them. As a teen, I was attached to my phone. Mind you this was during the time when phones were attached to a long chord and my brother could be found listening in on the other line. Some of you are old enough to remember a sibling like a brother or a sister quietly spying on your conversations I’m sure. Those were the days right?. Of course back then what we called conversations were loose words peppered with phrases encompassing grand thoughts such as ‘Like, Really! No Way?” And many more rad terms.

   This is not a discussion on the differences from the past to the current culture of the smartphone. No, rather this is going to be a general discussion about manners forgotten, and reasons deep down phone calls annoy people.

   Before there were phones there were calling cards. People would come over and visit a person’s home and leave a calling card, they would wait or be instructed to come back later. Eventually, housewives would set up times wherein people could come and visit. Usually, Tuesdays or Thursdays as I found that other days were generally just too busy. These were open house hours from 10-3 pm when people could come by unannounced and be welcomed in for a chat. If there were other guests present it would suddenly become an impromptu small party and conversations were kept light and airy.  Any other times that someone came to interrupt the home schedule they would leave a calling card so the lady of the home could decide if she needed to interrupt her tasks for the other person.

   When people wanted to fill someone in on their day, or situations, they would sit down and write a letter and place it in the post or mail. These letters would be gathered together at the end of the day or a scheduled quiet moment and read in leisure. They would then be answered by the general rules of manners as soon as possible, which the good etiquette books recommended a lady answered a post within a day or two, but no longer than a week. This gave her control to manage her household, or not interrupt a phone call to chase a child that has decided Fluffy the Cat needs to wear a bonnet or a dress.

  No one likes to be interrupted and it is hard enough to manage a home with children without interruptions as it is. It is equally more difficult when the person called wants to give the caller on the other end her undivided attention, but running a household requires there be interruptions.  

 In the time before there were telephones, children would learn to play quietly indoors or out under the supervision of a housekeeper, nanny, governess, or older sibling when people came around to visit. Children were not in need of their mother’s constant attention for they would have been taught manners at home. Truly now the situations are different. The point, however, is that everyone knew their place in these events and so interruptions were very few and far between. The phone eventually developed rules concerning courtesy, although I think they are forgotten rather quickly. It seems manners have been tossed into the bottom of the closet and forgotten like last year’s shoes. In fact, many only seem to remember them when they want to bludgeon others with the rules! But I digress. Back to the matter of phone calls.

   Before the advent of the answering machine, a butler would answer the phone. He would be instructed at the beginning of the day if calls were to be received or if he was to take a message. As people started to move up in the world and more and more had telephones but no butler or housekeeper, it became acceptable in the realms of etiquette to say something like “I’m sorry dear, I would love to chat but I really do not have the time today. Could you call back tomorrow after lunch, I’ll have more time to talk to you then?” A gracious lady would then accept that answer and call the next day. The telephone in it’s convince replaced both the calling card, visitor, and letter writing all at one time. However, manners did not do much in the way of growth, they got tossed out in the bath water as it were to be replaced with people that lacked the ability to say “Now’s not the right time” and “Of course I understand, when is a good time to talk.” Gratefully the telephone also replaced emergency telegrams when there was an emergency in the family, and those just interrupt our days and jangle the nerves, but there is no risk of getting lost.

   Like knocking on the door of a home unannounced and barging in, the phone loudly or with an annoying buzzing interrupts us as it now comes with us everywhere we go. It’s not as easy to leave the device at home, often it is a connection with our sitter, or boss, our spouse, our friends, and families. It is tied to mail as well. We get our news from it rather than picking up a paper. We read articles at our leisure instead of grabbing a cluttering magazine. We can even download our favorite crochet pattern and take it with us. It replaces many aspects of our lives. But let me remind you that it does not mean there are no rules to relegate how we should behave when new technology comes around. Look at what it replaces and act accordingly.

   When the ability or the need for butlers and housekeepers started to drift out of vogue as middle class arose and women were engaged in more charitable situations, or even working outside of the home, doing the shopping instead of deliveries being made they would miss phone calls as well, and so the answering machine was developed. The answering machine became our phone butler, this time though we merely recorded a message and the caller could leave a name, number, and a short message and wait for a return call. This acted as a replacement for a calling card. Messages were not detailed because anyone could gather the information that may not be intended for others. This prevented the mother from missing a message when a teen answered and forgot to write the missive out and would say “Oh I think your friend called. I think she said something about your Saturday potluck? It could have been about tomorrow’s luncheon. I can’t remember.” The grilling as to which friend would begin and the lady of the house would then call anyone that she vaguely remembers may be part of a Potluck or Luncheon Committee.  Answering machines made life a little easier when they came about. We now have voicemail services but they are for the same reason. Use them.

   The phone ringing is the knock on the door. When a telemarketer calls he/she is nothing more than the old door to door salesman, or pollster or someone collecting money for a charity. You may choose to politely answer the door and politely tell the person you are not interested, you’re rather busy and equally as politely close the door. You could step out if it seems interesting and hears a few words. Again, these are choices left to the person in their home. They do not have to let people in unannounced, and they can still be polite.  When the phone rings and it is a telemarketer, you can just let your disembodied butler take the call. It is acceptable.

   Be aware that when you call someone you’re quite possibly going to have a voicemail pick up. It is ok. Screening calls are ok, don’t panic, it does not always mean people do not like you, but rather that people are busy many days and they do not have hours to sit and talk to everyone that calls and makes demands of their time. If one has children, those demands of others can become very tiring and stressful, it adds to the constant demands of the children. If the call is important, it is best to definitely leave a message stating it is extremely important that the other person gets in touch with you then it’s only right to call back immediately when you can. Often times people call because they want to talk to someone. This should be a time you and your friends set aside for each other whether a certain time in the day or a get-together over coffee somewhere one day a week. Sometimes, you may have one of those friends where it is all about right now and a crisis that you have to listen to. If this person is very important, try to create a signal to your family so that they know not to interrupt you at that moment.

   Speaking of signals, this is also important when it is a business call, or a call from the doctor’s office or someone ordering something over the phone if you have an at home business. It could also be a phone meeting at home as well if one works from their home. These are very important calls, the scheduling of appointments, confirming appointments, etc. Again due to the nature of the call, it is important to take the call other family members need to have a signal that tells them that you are on an important call, no interruptions right now and keep it to a dull roar, thank you. Always thank younger children when they are quiet so they know how important it is for you that they use good manners.

   Now, what if it is family? I mean we always say, drop by anytime but in truth, it is important to drop a line. Leave a message in the voice mail and ask when it is convenient to bring the nieces, nephews, grand-kids around. Yes, we all love to meet with the family. We enjoy seeing relatives, but sometimes people have their own schedules and it is very difficult to suddenly change those plans because someone just dropped in. You could have been on your way out the door to an appointment, or a date with friends, significant other, hairdresser, or job interview. If they drove any distance, it is hard to say you don’t have time. A phone call can be like the unwanted interruption. Decent people of respect will understand how important it is to give respect and a warning. Dropping in unannounced, like an untimely phone call often sends the message that the hostess is not as important as the caller.  On the positive side, you don’t have to worry about the dishes in the sink, or vacuuming or that little Jenny has a runny nose and the teen son is excessively broody about something today.

   Now the world of smartphones and even the PC has actually replaced so many things supposed to make out life easier. But there are areas of etiquette that people forget. First, with text messaging, there's very little need to make an unannounced phone call. Think of the text as a postcard, calling card or notes in the class passed back and forth like in the days of old. The rules for conversation apply, as well as leaving a message or requesting the permission to call. Texting is great because it gives a person the ability to respond when it is good for them to respond. It does not have to be immediate, just timely. E-Mails, while seeming to go out of fashion are just as wonderful as other forms of letter writing while replacing the telephone and not requiring the use of a stamp. If you want to fill someone in on your life, send a letter or an e-mail. Do not demand someone talk to you on the phone if you know they may be busy. And if you are the receiver, even if it is family politely respond with “It’s so great to hear from you, I am awfully busy at the moment and I want to hear about your vacation, I just can’t right now. Can we meet up for coffee tomorrow? Then we could take all the time we need. Sure, bring your scrapbook. Right, noon. Usual place. Can’t wait to see you. Bye, now.” It is ok to say “I’m awfully busy, can you send me an email, I’m heading out to the doctor’s and I am already running late.”  You can ask a person to text you as well and you’ll be able to answer them as soon as you are able. This way you can complete instructions when you are not busy or driving. Just make them wait. The world will not end. I do know some people that find it difficult to respect the request of others, just be polite and draw that line when possible, stand firm. You aren’t the bad guy if you do, and don’t let anyone make you feel that way.

I have more on this topic later, as well as my opinion of unwanted house guests. More to come, so stay tuned. In the meantime, I will get back to my cooking endeavors from the lovable Peg Bracken “I Hate to Cook Book.”

Edit: minor grammar changes and spelling corrections.